In 2006, Everything Changed...

This year was (and unfortunately still is) a very wicked one. It started with a row I had with my mother where everything we were verbally fighting about was cleared up within minutes. I was kinda happy about that then, still knowing my mom had cancer and was suffering. When I left there, I had these three photographs with my mom on them that I got from her, knowing that they are some kind of a goodbye present.

She died on February 1st after having spent about three weeks at a place where people come for the very last part of their life. Until then, I have visited her every like two or three days, spending good and sad hours there at the same time, never really knowing about the nearest future.

At the end of February, my sleeping problems finally got worse, leading me to do one stupidity after the other: I was driving around under massive medical influence, caused an accident, came home and not being able to remember where I had been and what exactly has happened.

By May 2nd, once again, I was so out of my mind because of another sleepless night, I tried to go all the way by taking an overdose of medication, ended up in hospital the next day and was taken to a three month therapy from July to October. Generally, the therapy worked quite well: I started to get normal sleep after all and reached a major milestone: get away from medication (not that I was addicted to them, but only being able to fall asleep with medication for 14 months can be a problem).

By the end of September, sleep was getting worse all of a sudden again and hasn't really improved ever since. I am not on any medication, but I somehow feel that I might quit from there sooner or later...

So, 2006 was pretty shit, and most of all: it still is. Once again, I feel like being in a very deep depression. There's therapy hours twice a week (next one tomorrow evening), but only talking don't get me back on track I'm afraid. So what else is there to be done? I seem to have a wife who leaves me alone, I seem to have lost contact with my family because of many things, I am getting agressive every now and then because of my absolute helplessness, sleep still is a major issue, my kids start to look strangely at me...

After all, it's only about the disability of not falling asleep that keeps me from coming back on my feet. It's true: simple as that. But if you're struggling with that for close to seven years now, it's much more than just sleepless nights....