Things Need To End

It's bee an while since my last post. In the mean time, Nana and I had another discussion where she clearly pointed out that it would be better to end our contact.

Have not heard from her in a week or so. But I must admit that it kinda feels better this way: no more worries. This doesn't match with earlier posts, I know. But the way we talked the other day made me act more reasonable and "grown-up" in terms of not always thinking the worst or such.

I wish she does what is good for her.... But first, she has to find out what might be good....

Christmas is over, good thing....

Last Chance?

In terms of Nana, there seems to be a situation where I have to act reasonably and quickly. She leaves the clinic on Tuesday and is still willing to commit suicide. At least it sounded like this when I last talked to her on MSN the other day.

However, she said that until Tuesday, nothing is gonna happen, because she still has a "contract to fulfill there" (means: she signed an agreement at the beginning of her therapy that she wouldn't hurt herself whatsoever). But after that? I don't know.

So, I will have to get in touch with the people working there and then maybe with her parents....

Feeling Anxious (Part 2)

Feeling Anxious

At times, it is very difficult to understand Nana. "You don't know me, and I don't want you to get to know me. People can't like me, because they don't know me"

I shouldn't talk to her anymore, because the only thing I seem to achieve is that she feels worse after we talked. Am I too optimistic after all? Are there really people who feel even worse than I do?

Think I have to talk to her parents one day. Only hope that it's not too late then...

Closing Gaps

Everyone knows these gaps that stay open through life. Be it things that you have missed buying or watching, things that you have lost and try to retrieve them again, or simply goals that you still want to achieve.

In my life, there have been some of these gaps. Some of them were harder to fill than others. But, when looking back on 2006 (again), many of them could be closed.

About five years ago, I stumbled over the power cord of my Synthesizer, causing the machine to drop on the floor and two keys to break. Thoroughly, I collected the pieces in order to glue it together again as soon as I have the time to do that.

When me and my wife visited Michel Granger in Paris in 2002, we also got one of his early business cards as a present. I planned to frame that business card, as it would look very nice on the wall. But finding a suitble wooden frame for that proved to be very difficult.

German TV station ZDF aired a mini series back in 1982, called "Der Schwarze Bumerang" ("The Black Boomerang") which I liked very much. I have never seen that on TV again ever since and was wondering whether a DVD release existed, but no luck whatsoever.

I am very fond of Turkish tea for more than ten years now and always liked the way it is made. When I first had "çay", I swore to own one of these kettles to be able to also enjoy it at home.

In the early eighties, I got a series of very good books as Christmas and birthday presents, reading them with much interest and admired the style of these books. I never knew where they disappeared ever since...

And finally, in 1990, I read a fantastic book which was edited in very limited numbers, so, after I didn't receive it back from a friend, retrieving it from any shop was a real pain.

Talking of gaps in the beginning, I wouldn't have listed all these things without a particular reason:

- I found the time and patience to repair the keys of my Synthesizer, it works fine now...

- I even made a custom wooden frame to hang Michel Granger's business card on the wall...

- Two days ago, I received a four-DVD-set containing all episodes of "The Black Boomerang" mini series...

- Since three months, we have a tea kettle to make fine Turkish "cay" ourselves at home. It tastes wonderful...

- Thanks to eBay, I also own the four books by Nick Norden again, which I got as presents from my grandma...

- And finally yesterday, the last gap could be closed: I received another copy of "Die Konsequenz Der Moral" by H. S. Panosetti ("Consequence Of Moral") and a more than 16 year long search is over...

Yes, it feels good to have these gaps closed. The internet, especially eBay did a lot to be able to achieve these goals. Feels good, indeed. Finally...

Is This The End?

If I knew why I can't sleep, I wouldn't think of a million ways how to kill myself. One can imagine how fed up I am with being awake until 3 or 4 AM without any particular reason. After my opinion, nothing can help. I tried to convince Nana not to go, now I am at the same point - again. I know how she feels, I can understand her.

Being that far, nothing else matters, really. WHAT THE HELL IS PREVENTING ME FROM FALLING ASLEEP? And why?

Monday, Monday...

Nothing special can be expected from a new week. That's my opinion. Hope Christmas is over soon. People only have presents on their minds.

What has Nana done? I don't know. With "doing irrational things", I was talking about her going far to maybe meet someone she wants to talk to. I still dunno if she succeeded; she tried to call me last night at about 8PM but I couldn't answer. Haven't heard anything from her since....

Slowly Getting There...

My computer works again. Exchanged busted power supply.

My sleep don't come back.

Nana is doing irrational things and asking questions like "what if you were the kind of man I am looking for?"

How tricky can a life get?

Down The Drain?

At the moment, everything seems to break up.... My computer's dead (full description of what happened) and myself nearly, too. Took sleeping medicine last night for the first time after about 5 months again, because of being so fucking angry (didn't fall asleep until 04:30AM).

Dunno where this all leads. I am truly sad and at the end...

Doing Long Overdue "Chores"

As said earlier, there have been some major updates done on my www.jarre.ch website. Infos and pictures piled up to an amount I could hardly handle. During those difficult times, I thought that it would be reasonable to bring the website a bit up to date and distracting myself a bit.

It's funny, so many people rely on the information displayed there, I see that nearly every day when browsing the forum on www.zoolook.nl. And so many people contribute their information, either because they're still missing on my site, or because I have made a small mistake.

I have started to do this website some years ago and it has developed to a very big database that has close to 6500 pictures for about 2900 different recordings of Jean Michel Jarre. When I started to make the site, I have already done alot of work for a catalog that is ready to be printed. I know that I have mentioned this before on this blog. It's only: I have looked at all my backups I have made since the beginning (29) and I looked at the first backup's contents: there were exactly 222 pages in December of 2002. When I look at it now, there are 890 pages already and still counting...

I hope to be through with all updates by the end of this year...

In 2006, Everything Changed...

This year was (and unfortunately still is) a very wicked one. It started with a row I had with my mother where everything we were verbally fighting about was cleared up within minutes. I was kinda happy about that then, still knowing my mom had cancer and was suffering. When I left there, I had these three photographs with my mom on them that I got from her, knowing that they are some kind of a goodbye present.

She died on February 1st after having spent about three weeks at a place where people come for the very last part of their life. Until then, I have visited her every like two or three days, spending good and sad hours there at the same time, never really knowing about the nearest future.

At the end of February, my sleeping problems finally got worse, leading me to do one stupidity after the other: I was driving around under massive medical influence, caused an accident, came home and not being able to remember where I had been and what exactly has happened.

By May 2nd, once again, I was so out of my mind because of another sleepless night, I tried to go all the way by taking an overdose of medication, ended up in hospital the next day and was taken to a three month therapy from July to October. Generally, the therapy worked quite well: I started to get normal sleep after all and reached a major milestone: get away from medication (not that I was addicted to them, but only being able to fall asleep with medication for 14 months can be a problem).

By the end of September, sleep was getting worse all of a sudden again and hasn't really improved ever since. I am not on any medication, but I somehow feel that I might quit from there sooner or later...

So, 2006 was pretty shit, and most of all: it still is. Once again, I feel like being in a very deep depression. There's therapy hours twice a week (next one tomorrow evening), but only talking don't get me back on track I'm afraid. So what else is there to be done? I seem to have a wife who leaves me alone, I seem to have lost contact with my family because of many things, I am getting agressive every now and then because of my absolute helplessness, sleep still is a major issue, my kids start to look strangely at me...

After all, it's only about the disability of not falling asleep that keeps me from coming back on my feet. It's true: simple as that. But if you're struggling with that for close to seven years now, it's much more than just sleepless nights....

Different Direction

There has been an indepth talk with my wife which turned out quite well. Nevertheless, Nana hasn't been washed away.

What might be obvious is that I am running away from decisions. It's a typical situation I am in, but not exactly knowing what is waiting for you on the other side really doesn't make you want to decide

Bit of a pointless blog, isn't it? Well no, it's all about what I am feeling....

Been doing some long overdue updates on my website. Still lots to be done there....

Alive

After having done some phone calls, I was informed that Nana is well. Best news for today...

Am I worrying too much?